They Might Become Giants
by Jackie Avocado
Summary: One wonders what happens when two fanfiction authors decide to talk shit about a one really dumb Light Novel series with good ideas, but the dumbest executions. Now, these two crimes against humanity are thrown into a crime against literature. Can the denizens of DxD handle the insanity of these writers? Probably not. (Double Self-Insert with Ricrod)
1. Troublesome Memelords

**Guess who's back, back again? Avocado and Ricrod is back, tell a friend.**

**Well, you may be wondering, "Jackie this is the third new fic you've thrown onto your profile...and it hadn't even been a week since your last new fic." and I'd also be wondering the same fucking thing.**

**Well, if you must know, me and my nigga, Ricrod, my co-writer for **_**Our Real Selves Were Wrong, As**_** Expected, ****were talking shit about DxD on Discord and we couldn't get this idea out of our heads. So, in about give or take 3 to 4 hours we threw this together.**

**Now, watch, as the worlds of DxD and ExE have to deal with two nerds that know how to abuse/exploit their Sacred Gears, and will rip apart the world a logical and narrative level.**

**Chapter One: Troublesome Memelords**

The Dimensional Gap, a place between the planes of existence and numerous parallel realities. A virtually endless void of random colors, nothing exists here. Nothing can endure its strange pressure.

Unless, you're Great Red...or Ophis...or anything powerful enough to resist the effects of the void. Or if you have the right Sacred Gear.

Or if...wow, there's a lot of things that can exist here now that I think about it.

"Zachy, bro. I swear that if you're monologuing in your head, _again_, I'm going to smack you." Came a bitchy sounding voice to my right.

It was mah nigga, Ricrod, fellow shitposter/fanfiction writer. We were trapped in this trippy place of trippiness. It seemed as if Truck-kun had figured out how to hack the Matrix and double killed us both.

"Zachary, stop ignoring me, you jerk! This whole thing is weird enough already! I don't need you going mute at random intervals!"

It seemed my companion had no clue as to where we actually were, but I knew these trippy color patterns like the back of my hand. Though my initial assumption of this place may have been hasty, it was all too familiar. It was trippy, cold...trippy-cold, and Detective Zachary Mohammed was on the case.

"Dude… I think I lost sensation in my legs."

My eyes widened. "Oh-Oh shit!" I turned to my friend in a panicked fluster. "Shit, what happened!?"

"... I think I got cramps, or I'm dying. Either is plausible."

"Ah, that...ugh," How do I break this to him? "That...might be the Dimensional Gap breaking us down like a delicious meal of Lunchables. Also explains why I'm tasting purple right now."

"...Dimensional Gap? Like the one in DxD? That shitty harem light novel… seriously? Of all the places Truck-kun could have sent us!" Ricy-boi shouted.

I nodded at his dismay. "Yeah, couldn't have just been a random fantasy world like Danmachi where we'd have a chance."

Truly, our luck was fucked, and so were our lives...again.

Ric sighed. "Man… what a waste. I think I left the stove on back home, too. Well, at least I won't die alone... Bruh, my name's Arthur, happy to see your trippy face again."

I gave him an easy-going smile. "Yeah, nice to see you too, dude. Name's Zachary, but you already knew that."

"...Too bad we didn't get to reincarnate, get some cheat power, amass a harem and conquer the world, but at least we can trip one last time, bro."

Alas, neither of us had hope for survival, or lewds. Such a grimdark world we've found ourselves in.

"Hey, Zachy, I just got something. You're never going to finish those fics of yours anymore. Well, not like we're going to finish them anyway -Hey, is that a fucking dragon!?"

Praise the Dragon Gods! As they have cut off my friend from reminding me of my greatest shame!

"Let's call it and ask for a ride!"

I turned to Arthur. "That's Great Red, that is a bad idea."

"No, staying here to die like old dogs is a bad idea. Let's just ask. He looks like a softie."

"Alright, I'll call him," I took a deep breath. "HEY GECKO, OVER HERE!"

"I mean politely! You crazed writer!"

The gargantuan beast turned his head slowly towards us.

"**You have till the count of three to tell who the fuck do you think you're calling a gecko." **His voice rumbled with power, echoing throughout the void.

"Ugh..." Shit, I didn't think he'd heard me, alright, time for my impeccable skills of diplomacy. "First, that was me calling you that, and second, you."

Fuckin' nailed it!

Great Red's green eyes narrowed. "**You have guts, human."**

While I know, what I am saying in front of this universe's biggest powerhouse might've been suicide to everyone else, I knew that dragon's respect a willingness to not back down. And I was going to abuse that.

I shrugged. "Had to get your attention somehow. Now, question, how in the infinite hells did we get here?"

He snorted some smoke in my face. "**You assume I am willing to tell you anything after such insults."**

I rolled my eyes. "Buddy, you can be an asshole, or a useful asshole, now please pick. I can already feel this dimension eating away at my body."

"**I can squash you like a bug." **He threatened.

"I know," I stated. "And I can annoy the fuck out of you until do something worth a damn or kill us, and either way we deal with you, you were probably going to kill us anyway."

That actually got a sigh out of the dragon. "**Fine. I can't sense any kind of energy on you, not even a slight trace. You being here is just as much of a mystery to me as it is to you. It's worrying, to say the least, that something can just throw you in here without me knowing."**

I scratched my head. "Well, that's Truck-kun for ya."

Great Red blinked slowly. "**Truck-kun…?" **Huh, is out of the loop on the meme? "**Gasper, is that you?"**

No...Nooooooooooooooo.

"Great Asshole, is that you?"

"**Gasper, it's been ages!"** The dragon exclaimed excitedly. "**I haven't seen you since Universe 12626386, got discontinued! You know, like a lot of your fics."**

Wow, this is getting way too meta.

I saw Arthur giving me the best 'what the fuck' look I'd ever seen.

"Excuse me, I hate to interrupt this touching meeting between interdimensional-internet shitposters, but... we kind of need some help here. Like, Zachy's legs disappeared already and I can't feel my arms." Arthur said.

I looked at my now disappearing legs. "Ah, yeah, that's a problem."

"Dude, you're going to lose your dick at this rate."

"That's a bigger problem!" I turned to Great Red. "So, uh, Red, mind stopping the dimension from eating us with the moxie of a drunken college student that just found half a breakfast burrito in their mini-fridge."

"...That's one really detailed analogy. Zachy, maybe you should tone down the drinking."

"Alcohol is for the weak," I said, then turned to my interdimensional bro. "So, mind lending us a hand?"

Great Red brought two claws together and…

_Snap!_

Our limbs were Thanos'd back on.

"Thank you."

"**So, Truck-kun sent you here?" **The dragon circled around us. "**Well, this'll be fun. I've got a few Sacred Gears in my possession, and an itch to start a dumb isekai story. Want in?"**

I grinned. "You had me at fun!"

"That's why we're here." Arthur shrugged. "Also, Zachy, I didn't know your works were popular among dragons from other dimensions. Color me impressed."

"**Update Eldritch Gamer, already." **Great Red demanded.

I deadpanned. "When I fuckin' feel like it."

"Nah, man. Lame Bards is where the good shit is at. Update that one."

"You see, this kind of shit is why I don't have a dedicated update schedule."

"Wasn't that because you're bad at organizing and had some kind of attention deficit?"

"**No, he's just a lazy motherfucker." **Great Asshole corrected.

"Really, I could swear he had attention deficit. He didn't notice his legs disappearing a moment ago."

I smacked him upside the head. "We're floating in a fucking void, Ric-boi, we're not exactly using our legs right now."

"Excuses, excuses is what I hear!" He said while kicking me back.

"**Hm, Ricy-boi?" **Great Red questioned. "**You wouldn't happen to have the pen name 'Ricrod' would you?"**

"Huh… Yes, that would be me."

"**Ugh, you're the author Ophis likes," **Great Red spat in disgust. "**No clue why she likes your fanfictions, it's all just a random asshole being thrown into whatever random world and him aspiring to grow powerful."**

"Uhhhhhh..." I let out a sound of pure despair as he was basically describing my fics as well.

"...You're not wrong. You are not, but-"

"**And unlike Gasper here-" **

"I'm not fuckin' Gasper!" I shouted.

"**You don't have your SI have any fun, unless it's sex."**

"Alright, you overgrown lizard. Shitting on my works is one thing, but criticizing how I have fun? Come right here. Imma put your shit together!"

"**Not to mention, your writing lacks soul to it, and your SI has no personality. A total bore to read about."** Great Red finished his critique smugly.

"You fucking gecko, come here! Come down here _right now_! 'Great Red' my hyperweapon! I'm going to use your skin for my new shoes!" Arthur screamed as he started hitting and kicking the chin of Great Red, to no effect at all. Great Red just looked amused at his antics.

I raised an eyebrow. "Why are you so mad? Trickster does this to you all the time."

"Yes… but he's like, my friend and shit. Like you, bro."

"Uhu, but from how readily you take it up the ass from him, I'd half a mind to label you a masochist."

"I thought so too, but it turns out I really don't enjoy it in a sexual way. Just like bedding other men. Just not my thing."

I put a hand over my heart as if unimaginable pain coursed through me. "Ugh, not my OTP!"

"...What the fuck, man?"

"Everyone on the Discord was thinking it!"

"...What the fuck, Discord?!"

"**Can I throw you two into the world already?" **Great Red interrupted.

"Please." I pleaded, wanting out of explaining this any further.

"Now, hold on a min-"

_Snap!_

Great Red materialized a phone after we left, and dialed a specific number.

"_Is the plan in motion, Agent Red?" _A voice said from the phone.

"**Yes, Zelretch." **The Dragon confirmed. "**It's time to execute Order 69."**

"_Hah! 69, a dirty number! So, do they suspect anything?" _Zelretch asked.

"**Not a single clue."**

"_Good, we're already ahead of schedule."_

"They know we can hear them, right?" Arthur asked.

"Give it a minute."

"_Are they still here!?"_

"**SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"** Great Red cursed repeatedly.

_Snap!_

And like that, the blinds us to seeing plot twists covered our eyes, and the realm of darkness took over our minds. Otherwise known as we were knocked the fuck out.

[-]

Sometimes one has a good day, sometimes you have a bad day, at times some may experience a weird day. Today, I got the most fuckingly bizarre, absurd bullshit in existence as my day.

It was great, of course. As I am.

Suddenly a lot of things happened in quick succession, ending up with me and some dude throw into the world of some harem anime that made little sense.

Eh, at least the giant red dragon and his phone sex friend didn't leave us without some perks to enjoy. Staring with an apartment.

"Zachy… you won't have another 'friend' around this world, right? I very much would like if you had. I mean, none of my friends ever gives me a new body. Those ungrateful bastards."

I said while glancing over my new friend, who was too engrossed in watching his reflection in the mirror. Seeing that, I began preparing lunch. It would be pizza.

"Dude," Zachary said, still staring at his reflection, his voice sounded hollow. Frankly, I wanted no part of whatever kind of crisis he was going through right now. He was the dumbass to insult a fucking dragon god of all things.

I sighed. "What?"

"We're super handsome men," He stated the obvious. "In the DxDverse."

"Silly man. We always have been the handsomest." I replied, "And yeah… we got sent to one of the silliest harem animes around. Such an interesting setting, such a shitty plot."

Zachary rushed and grabbed me by my shoulders, looking into my eyes as if he'd seen the Outer Gods in the window.

"You don't get it! We're shitty _Self-Inserts_ in DxD! Do you know what this means!?"

"...That we could use our knowledge of canon to fuck shit up, gather power and amass a harem?" I asked, unsure of what else it could mean.

His eyes lost all light in them, looking more like a yandere.

"Oh god, you're already infected by the tropes."

"...What?"

"Next thing I know, we'll either be some kind of power-hungry lunatics in a poorly thought out evil protag fic. Hell, even if we do go the Good Guy route, it's going to be impossible to avoid everything." He ranted. "Next thing you know, we're going to be related to every main character for no discernible reason, bring up our music preferences every three seconds, talking about our dick sizes, picking up every girl around us with the shittiest excuse for flirting, and above all else, no character development in sight!"

"...I feel you just insulted me right there, but I'll let it pass. So, what are you suggesting? That we don't amass power, abuse our knowledge and get a harem? Also, we already do all that shit you're talking about. Especially the music, dick sizes, and bad flirting..."

"Well, first, we've got to figure out if this is just canon DxD, or a dumb Gremory Bashing fic."

"...Alright, I found some papers in this apartment, so we know is ours and there are some ingredients around. What do you want for lunch? Pizza? Sushi? Ribs?"

"Oh, pizza please!" Good, the promise of food snapped him out of it.

"Great. Also, don't worry too much about this world. We can just eat something, figure out if that overgrown lizard with shit taste gave us something more and then go to Kuoh." I said, it didn't look all that bad from my point of view. "Then we can assert the situation and began preparing to thrive in this world…. Or at least survive."

Zachary sighed. "Survive sounds about right since we're kind of fucked. If we survive Trihexa, we still got ExE to deal with."

"ExE was shit. The only reason end-game Issei didn't manage them was because he couldn't be in multiple places at once. If we let canon go its way, we have little to fear from them."

"Good point." He froze. "Wait, does Issei even have the Boosted Gear in this world? Hell, does he even exist?"

"We will confirm that after we eat." I signed, annoyance clear in my voice, while preparing the sauce. "Not much we can do right now, unless you know his address and decide to run towards Kuoh and confirm."

He sighed. "Fuck...then there's the political shit storm we're going to have to deal with. One that makes no sense, and lacks all logic."

"Canon?" I asked.

"Canon." He confirmed.

"Well… nothing new, I guess? It's not like some Devil or Fallen Angel will knock at our door or something."

Right on cue.

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_

Zachary shot me a dirty look.

The smug bastard.

"Don't give me that damn look," I said as I got up to answer the door, Zachy following me.

I opened the door politely. "Yes?"

The visitor was a young teen in cosplay. Or at least she looked like that, she was small, after all. Took me a moment to realize it was Serafall Leviathan, one of the 'Maous' in charge of hell.

"The Magical Girl Levi-tan has arrived!" She exclaimed. "I came rushing as soon as I sense that two big bad dragons from the Dimensional Gap invaded my So-tan's territory." She leaned closer, her eyes giving off a malevolent glint. "You wouldn't be up to anything bad were you?"

"I didn't invade jack shit. This apartment is mine." Sorta. It was given to us. I didn't like people accusing me of shit. "And we don't like getting accused of things from the blue, miss… whoever you are."

Zachy had a different reaction than mine.

"I fucking told you, dude!" He shouted, it hurt my ear because he was right next to me. "The tropes, can't escape them!"

"Please, excuse him, he has either become a conspiracy theorist, or lost his marbles," I said. "Most likely the latter... he's a good dude, just not very sane."

Serafall gave him a puzzled look, and then something shone in her eyes.

"Ohh~~ A fellow fan? I'm not really into conspiracy, you know? It just takes away the wonder of the magical girl shows. Ah, but I'm totally up for it if it's for the bad guys! Gives it some sense of depth to the world, you know?"

...Shit, another weirdo.

"Wait, gosh diggle darn second..." Zachary reacted, and it didn't take much for me to wish he hadn't. "Did she call us...dragons?"

I paused, letting the words sink in. "...The fuck did that lizard do to us?"

At that moment the apartment complex seemed to rumble with the laughter of the power-filled voice of that very same gecko.

"**Hahahahahahaha!" **The Dragon God laughed. "**Took 'em long enough to figure it out!"**

"No, we have been here for like, not even twenty minutes. You fuck. I haven't even finished preparing lunch."

"Dude!" Zachy started shaking around like a madman. "I told you! The tropes will find us, no matter where we run! There's no escaping the plot!"

Despite the clear voice, it only echoed in our heads. Serafall giving no signs of hearing it at all. Only looking more and more annoyed at what would look like us ignoring her. I sensed danger and began to, slowly, get away from her reach. Zachy wasn't so fortunate.

His collar got grabbed by Serafall, and he was pulled down to eye-level with her glaring eyes. No humor or mischievousness, just cold, hard, 'What in the actual fuck!?' looking eyes.

"Okay, this isn't usually how I like to roll..." She began. "But two dragons from the Dimension Gap of all places just invaded Kuoh, Devil Territory, my _sister's_ territory to be exact." Her words carried _weight_, this wasn't the goofy cosplayer from the novel, it was the Maou leading Hell itself. "I'll give you three seconds to explain why you're here and why the area is saturated with Great Red's energy signature, before I decide to take my answers on ice."

"Alright. First, what the hell? Why are you so eager to get into a fight? Second, what the hell? Let my bro go. And third, just what the hell is with you?" I retorted back as soon as I recovered from the tonal shift. "If you want some answers why not trying to be more civilized about it? Eh? Are you really planning to fight us right now? Just know that certain lizard won't be pleased about it. Sure, maybe you can put up a good fight, but wh-"

"Dude, shut up!" Zachary shouted.

Serafall raised an ice-covered fist, an eerie smile on her face. "One~"

"Truck-kun killed our asses, and sent our souls into the Dimensional Gap!" He explained. "Great Red took a liking to us"

"...Truck-kun? Are you really expecting me to believe th-"

_Beep! Beep!_

Suddenly, a random, white-colored truck phased through our apartment through the ceiling. Completely ignoring all the physics involved in such a move.

"Shit!" Zachary shouted as he grabbed Serafall and jumped out of the way. "Oh fuck, it's still after us!"

I myself dodged the incoming vehicle. " Fuck, someone save the pizza! It's going to get ruined if we don't get the time right!"

"Noooooo! Not the pizza!" Zach shouted.

"It was already in the oven, holy hell!" Luckily, the kitchen didn't seem affected by the supernatural truck that wrecked the place or send rubble all around the apartment.

Serafall looked at the spot Truck-kun phased out of with slight horror. "...Oh Satan, Truck-kun's real." She slowly turned to face Zachary. "So, this means you two are Isekai Protagonists!"

"...Yes, yes we are. Zachy already spilled the beans before, you remember?" I answered sarcastically while looking over the pizza. It was good, no rubble or sand got in the over either. A miracle, a saving grace. It was almost done, too.

She looked at us excitedly with stars in her eyes. "Real life Isekai Protagonists! Oh, what's your Isekai Cheat? What kind of ROB sent you here?"

I give up, fuck this shit.

"Zachy, you deal with the weirdo. I'm taking out the pizza to cool off a bit. Ask her if she's going to eat with us."

Zachary looked at me as if I'd left him on Mustafar to be burnt alive.

"I-uh...We have...foreknowledge." He blurted out.

I sighed. "I'm fucked. I got transported to another world with the guy without _any_ forethought. To a dangerous world too… I'm so fucked."

Serafall gasped. "Like those Self-Insert fics where people throw themselves into a world they like?"

I stared at her. Zachary stared at her. I could feel the big idiot lizard staring at her too.

"...Yes." Zachary confirmed robotically.

"So, my world is a narrative in yours!?" She half shouted in glee. "Oh, is it good? Is it an anime or manga? Do we have any videogames!?"

"Pizza's done!" I announced. "Leave the weeaboo talk for later. I want to eat."

"We're fucked."

I knew. I knew all too well, and he wasn't helping at all in that front. Neither was I.

At least the pizza was good.

**Chapter End**


	2. The Crack Crusade

**A/N:**

**Jackie: Well, I had to drag Ricky-boi's lazy ass to get this chapter done.**

**Ricrod: I was working on other things...**

**Jackie: Excuses! *Throws an avocado***

**Ricrod: Hey man, some of us need to work to survive. *Dodges incoming avocados***

**Jackie: *Picks up another avocado, but remembers his shitty retail job* ...Fuck.**

**Jackie: Here's the chapter, go fuck yourselves!**

**Ricrod: Next one will be coming soon, maybe.**

**Jackie: Not really.**

**Ricrod: I don't mind either way.**

**Chapter Two: The Crack Crusade**

Serafall stared at me with an almost hollow gaze.

"So, let me get this straight..." She paused and took a deep breath. "Our world - _My world_, is a shitty - but super popular - ecchi light novel series called Highschool DxD."

I nodded. "Yes."

"Yep." Came the voice of Arthur from the kitchen.

"And in this series, a terrorist group known as the Khaos Brigade, a group that consists of a ragtag mishmash of Devils, Fallen Angels, and humans that are descendants of mythological heroes, and is made to create an opposing force to the growing alliances of mythologies, shows up at the future peace agreement between the Three Factions."

"Don't forget the Ophis was leader, until they betrayed her and somehow stole her power and drained her to make a second Ophis called Lilith." I then began to grumble. "Completely going against what _infinite_ means."

"And this is _after _Kokabiel showed up and tried to kill my Sona-tan, and Rias Gremory in an effort to restart the Great War."

"Yeah, after Issei beat the shit out of the Undercooked KFC bastard." I elaborated.

"To be fair, the worst that guy did was being slightly creepy and getting mad about Issei courting his fiancee."

"And after that, this group gets its collective shit kick in, Rizevim Livan Lucifer himself comes in and takes over as leader, then releases Trihexa of all fucking things on the world."

"Yeah, I didn't see the fucker using his own soul to free the damned thing as failsafe, in case he was killed, coming."

"And after that, I and the other Maou, along with various leaders of other mythologies seal ourselves in a sort of barrier to fight the thing ourselves for an unstated period of time."

"We don't even know if you guys get out or not."

"And after _that_ cluster fuck, the world becomes targeted by an evil machine god from a dimension called ExE, who is so bullshit powerful, that Ophis and Great Red can't step up to him."

"It was so dumb."

"And greatest Sin of them all..." She trembled in her stead. "My precious Sona-tan, isn't the main character!? Or at the very least the main heroine!?"

I stroked my chin in thought. "Honestly, I'd love to see a DxD spin-off novel that focuses on Sona, and the Student Council. Shit would be dope."

"Certainly more interesting than Issei and Op bullshit," Arthur said, as he put some desserts and drinks on the table.

Searfall slumped in her seat. "Ugh, I should've stopped you when I heard the world was a light novel."

I handed her a slice of still-hot pizza. "Eat this, it'll make you feel better."

She gave me a blank look. "Pizza is not going to make this better."

I took a dramatic pose. "I am the Wacky Woohoo Pizza Dragon King of Dank Memes, and you will respect that."

Serafall shivered. "I think I felt every dragon in the universe cringe so hard that it rippled throughout all of reality," She gave me a beaming smile. "We're going to get along fine!"

"So..." Arthur trailed off. "Are we going to forget about retarded Issei's boob powers?"

The maou's eyes darkened. "If he so much as thinks of using them on my Sona-tan, I'm freezing his balls off."

"Ugh." I instinctively shivered, as did Arthur.

"So, uh, you believe us…?" I asked hesitantly

Serafall slumped in her seat and sighed. "Unfortunately, I do. You two know about way too many tightly kept secrets, and things that I don't even know about that make too much sense, and at the same time-"

"Makes no fucking sense at all!" Arthur finished.

"Exactly!" Serafall shouted.

I took a bite of pizza. Damn, Arthur knows how to cook like a boss!

"Alright, now that everyone knows everything, where does this leave us?" Arthur asked.

"Well, are you two going to try and destroy the city, or cause some kind of massacre, or target Rias and my Sona-tan for some kind of assassination?" She listed off with a dark glint in her eyes.

"No…?" I replied hesitantly. "Honestly, I just want to stay out of the canon plot, if possible, and I know that ain't going to happen, so I ain't gonna try. But, for now, I guess I'll try to get a handle and my new body along with whatever Sacred Gear we have now."

"I'd like to prevent some of the most BS things before they happen."

"Then you have no problems from this magical girl," Serafall said, which was relieving. "But, if you'd like, I can help you two unlock your Sacred Gears."

"What's the catch?" Both Arthur and I asked in sync.

"That I can come over and hang out when I want," were her demands. "You have no clue who stressful my job is at times, and my magical girl show is one of the few times I can have some sort of fun. Not to mention it cuts into my precious Sona-tan time!"

I rolled my eyes. "And there it is."

"I mean, sure? If you get someone to fix the damage from the Truck-kun." Arthur said. "Just make sure to tell us when you're going to drop by, I'll cook something."

Serafall squealed, and glomped Arthur. "Thank you!"

"...Please, don't touch me."

I snickered. "Don't be mean, Arthur, we've already started collecting waifus, don't wuss out now!"

"Can I pass on that? I very much like my bachelor's life."

I shook my head. "Dead lord help you, you're in DxD, brotha. There's no escaping some kind of harem, and your case, it's going to be the unwanted harem trope."

"Yeah, sure, whatever. I'll just tell them I'm gay or something," Arthur said as he tried to pry Serafall off of him with little progress.

I grinned. "You tell 'em that? I tell 'em I top."

"You couldn't top to save your life, man. Not unless you suddenly got sex magic or something."

I turned to Serafall. "Is there sex magic here?"

Somehow, that got her off of Arthur, I ignored the mutter of "Thank Odin," as Serafall took a lecturing pose.

...and waited.

...and waited.

...and waited.

...and wai- "Get on with it, woman!" I threw my hands in the air.

"I think you broke her," Arthur replied. "Weird, one would think that devils know a lot about that, being near-immortal and having those contracts with some humans…"

"Oh...Satan." She whispered. "Why haven't any of us thought of that!?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Ah, they really are that dumb."

"...Why this doesn't surprise me… why?"

I took a cookie. "Because the Devils have a magic system based on imagination, and they do fucking nothing with it."

"How does dragon magic even work here? We get some 'element' or 'concept' to apply magic to and create bullshit?" Arthur wondered aloud. "If so, I want to try a couple of things."

"Huh!?" Serafall snapped out of her despairing trance. "Dragon magic works on the principle of will power. It's like the Devil magic system, but the more powerful your will, the more potent the magic will be."

I turned to Arthur. "Dude, will power...we're fuckin' Green Lanterns!"

"Great. Now we can will things into happening."

That got me thinking. "...Sort of like Great Red?"

"Well, he kind of made us dragons, so it's plausible that we got some of his mojo with us."

"Good point," I turned to the Maou in the room. "So, uh, how do we unlock Sacred Gears? I mean, I remember what Rias told Issei in the novel, but I'm going to take anything she says with a grain of salt."

"Salt is more of Trickster's domain tho."

I nodded sagely. "He'd be the Salt Dragon of Britannia."

"So, Miss Leviathan, tell us how to get started with our mojo. Bonus points if you help us sort things out after this too."

Serafall's hands started to glow. "Well, one way is to take a pose you feel strong in, and well out some words of power; the other way..." She walked behind me and lightly smacked me in the back with her hand.

As she did, I felt a surge of power in me and I felt something...unlock.

"Wha…?" I was dumbfounded.

She walked up to Arthur and did the same.

He just fell on his face.

And… nothing.

He was out cold.

"Dammit, Arthur, the fuck have I told you about getting knocked out as an excuse to not write!?" I got no response.

Fuck!

Might as well give this Gear a try. Now, just what does it do? I don't have a single clue.

"I have no clue what mine does, please help, Ms. Magical Girl." I pleaded.

Serafall walked up to me and put her hand on my chest. I felt another surge of power flow through me, but this time it was slow, and more deliberate than the rush from before.

Her eyes lit up. "Oh, this one's an oldie!"

"Does that mean it's good?" I asked hopefully.

"It's known as the First Forge, from what the history books said, it was pretty common back in the Great War to see it on the battlefield, but most users died early in their careers," She explained. "It stopped showing up half-way through the war, and hasn't been seen since. It's basically one of the creation type Sacred Gears."

I got excited at the mention of my gear type. Creation Gears were the most versatile and useful Gears, fuck most of the Longinus aside from Annihilation Maker, Sephiroth Graal, and the Canis Lykaon. Creation Gears were where the good shit was!

"What kind of stuff can I make anyway?"

"Hmm, from what I know, it's sort of like Blade Blacksmith and Sword Birth," She explained, munching on a cookie. "Mmm, these are good. Anyway, users of the First Forge, from reports, have made things along the lines of spears, bows and arrows, swords, any kind of melee weapon you can think of."

I grinned. "I'ma make a lightsaber!"

An audible gasp came from my unconscious friend, less than a second before he got up and started panicking.

"Dude! I meet Satan and God! ...And Merlin! And a bunch of others! They're all assholes!" Arthur said, holding in his hand a necklace with a green gem on it. "Like, hell, they're all terrible."

I stared, and so did Serafall. "What did you expect? They were Tumblers before Tumblr was a thing. Also, the fuck!?"

"Like, I blacked out and then I was in some sort of white, huge-ass meeting room with tons of people staring at me and talking bullshit to me. It was surreal."

"Sounds like your average court cause, bruh."

"I mean, yeah… anyway. Most of them just fucked off after discussing something between themselves. The three remaining just introduced themselves as Jeovah, Lucifer and Merlin… then I woke up."

"Dude, that's fuckin' cool!" I exclaimed. "Also, figured out mine. I can make shit! Watch this, I'ma make a lightsaber!"

I held out my hand and envisioned a lightsaber. I felt magic power flowing from my body and into the palm of my hand...like a lot. Holy fuck that's a lot of power. Uh, shit, how do I stop thi-

Then I blacked out.

**[]**

[Is that First Forge? How strange, I thought I took it out of the system.] The Santa-looking man calling himself Jehovah said.

I just stared at my friend's unconscious body, and the silver tube that came out of the glow on his palm.

[You old idiot! How come dragons are using Sacred Gears in the first place!?] The one who called himself Satan shouted.

Great, his Sacred Gear is too powerful for him to use right now… and mine is just schizophrenia

[Well, isn't it interesting at least? I'm very curious about how things are going to play out. After all, the events that were supposed to happen in our host memories have already changed.]

My eyes widened. "_...Fuck. They already know everything."_

[Talking about our 'dear host'... isn't he kind of pathetic? Just look at him, he will die in three seconds flat during a war! Hey, idiot! Do something to wake up the other! Channel some magic or something, you useless gecko!]

My eye twitched. "_Fuck off, you useless little shit, with daddy issues. No one asked for your opinion."_

[I-I don't have daddy issues! You damn idiot!]

I cleared my throat and spoke in a voice to mimic Jehovah. "_Son, you've been quite naughty, and you're getting kicked out of the house, have a nice life."_

[Now, now. No need to start fighting now. We're all here for the same reason. Infighting won't help us out.]

[Funny for you to say that, Mister God, if I remember correctly, infighting on your domain is exactly why things are like this.] Merlin argued.

[Hey! Mind to who are you talking to, stupid mage! Your magic tricks are nothing compared to the might my father had when still alive.]

_...Alright, things are starting to get too weird for my tastes. _

"Hey," Serafall called out to me. "Are you alright? You have been staring into empty space and mumbling to yourself for a while now."

"Err...Yeah, just thinking." Satan said something about channeling magic, right? "Shouldn't we channel some magic into Zachy to wake him up?"

Her eyes widened. "Ah you're right! Sorry, this magical girl is still a little shell shocked about the future."

She walked over to Zachy's - hopefully not a corpse - and put her hand on his back. He began glowing blue for a few seconds, then started groaning.

"Fuck...my head's killing me," He whined. "What happened?"

"You passed out after making a light-saber," I told him. "It may take a while for us to grow accustomed to using our Sacred Gears… Shit's dope tho."

He rubbed his head as he got up. "Ugh, I'm seeing this kind of...number in my head, it jumped up from 0 to 50.75."

[First Forge gives the creations of the user some added bonus depending on the creativity and mastery over its makings… Please convey that information to your friend.]

"Err… Jehovah says you get some bonus for making creative shit or knowing a lot about what you are making."

Zachy shook his head as he picked up the lightsaber, and pressed a button. He grinned as the iconic sound from the Star Wars movies filled the room as the red blade of plasma erupted from the cylinder.

"Wow, thanks, Beardy Boi!"

Jehova grumbled. [Such disrespect...]

[Uhm, I like that the youngster is so full of spirit.] Merlin said unsurely.

Alright. Whatever. I caressed the green gem. '_What this thing does anyway?'_

[For you? Jack shit.]

[Mh, this jewel is an incomplete project… It was supposed to host the powers and the will of many beings, in case their combined power was needed at some point.]

'_Wait, incomplete?' _

[Indeed, I wasn't able to elevate it to the point of passing correctly its power and knowledge, nor I was able to install the system to choose the next wielder...]

[As always, your creations are way too shabby] Satan mocked.

'_Didn't he make you too?'_

[Fuck off]

[You will need to convince the others to grant you their power] Jehovah explained.

...Alright.

[In any case, Arthur, I'm aware of my situation and more than willing to lend you a hand by granting you knowledge] Merlin supplied helpfully.

'Wow, thanks, Merlin'

[Of course, I still have a couple of things I'd like you to do before that...]

I listened to Merlin wishes and my only thought was 'Well, shit'

…

"Hey Zachy," I called out to my friend, who was mesmerized with his new toy.

"Eh?" He said, obviously not interested in anything I had to say. The asshole.

"Merlin is asking me to find any of his or King Arthur's descendants."

Zachary shrugged. "Well, we know of two. Arthur..." He paused and looked at me. "The _other_ Arthur, and Le Fay."

I turned towards Serafall. "You know any way to contact them?"

"Just leave it to Magical Girl Levi-tan!" One of the Hell's rulers exclaimed. "I can request a meeting… but it's going to take a little while until they respond."

"Well, that's fine. We're going to need some time to get accustomed to our powers and Sacred Gears."

"Actually… I may have a good offer for you two." Serafall grinned ominously.

[Don't listen to her! She's planning something terrible! All devil women are the same! I should know.]

[Ah, I feel like there's some stories there...] Merlin teased.

[Well, it wouldn't be nice to refuse before listening to her, if for the sake of niceness only]

"... Against my better judgment, I'll listen to it."

"How do you feel about teaching?" She asked.

"Eh?" Me and Zachy asked, dumbfounded. Also, he somehow managed to destroy half the furniture in the place playing with his toy.

Just my luck.

Zachary turned off his glowing, phallic toy. "I don't have a teaching degree in anything, but I can cook."

She nodded, "Cafeteria chef it is!"

"I'm sure I can cook too… but I'll reject having to do it for a bunch of teenagers," I said. "Can you get me teaching literature or something?"

"Don't doubt the power of Magical Girl Levi-tan!" I said proudly.

"More like the power of connections… whatever, that's how I got my first job too."

"Yay! We have Sacred Gears, and we're employed!" Zachary exclaimed.

"Huh-oh! Time for me to go!" Serafall exclaimed. "Don't worry, I'll contact you later with the details. See ya~!" She disappeared into a magic circle after waving goodbye and sending an air kiss to Zachy.

I stared at where she once was. "...She's going to get someone to fix this place, right?"

"Wait, she knows about the future now..." Zachary trailed off. "What's she going to do with that knowledge…?"

"Don't ask me. You were the one with the loose lips… she's one of the good guys anyway, probably." I sighed. "Eh, look at the bright side. I think she's into you."

"Is it because I'm crazy?"

"Who knows…?"

"Either way, the Butterfly Effect is going fuck us in the ass sooner or later."

"For now, let's just try to train a little. I think we should try to master our Dragon powers and Sacred Gears."

"I'm making a fuckin' Metal Gear next!"

"Zachy, that's a bad idea!"

As expected, he kept fainting, and the voices in my head kept getting more and more annoying.

How typical.

**Chapter End.**


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